Was I abused & can't remember, or am I grasping at straws?

2021.12.01 02:38 AnonAdultSurvivors Was I abused & can't remember, or am I grasping at straws?

TW; depression, suicide, CSA, sexual assault
This has been very difficult to type- I think I’ve stopped & started 10 times over the past two days. I’m on a journey to figure out what it is that keeps me feeling so incomplete. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD & I had thought that was the missing puzzle piece I was looking for; confirmation of “why I am the way that I am”. But turns out that wasn’t it.
I’m going to share things I have never told anyone my whole life. All the secrets in my life laid bare. I have questioned for as long as I can even remember if I was possibly sexually abused at some point in my childhood, but I’ve always been too scared to think about it. Scared maybe that it’s true. I always blow it off and ignore the idea, but it has always nagged at me.
Tbh I’m not sure what I’m hoping for out of this; do I want support? Do I want to be analyzed? Do I want to be told I’m wrong? Or do I want to be told my gut is probably right? I have no clue. I know that I am hoping to feel better to FINALLY share these things, even if it is on a public forum behind an “anon” shield. Part of me wants to be validated and allow myself to know myself better to heal, but the other half would prefer to be wrong.
I’m just going to share everything that, to me, has raised red flags & concerns. I’m curious to know if what I’m feeling and the things I experienced are normal, or if they are genuine red flags. No clue how I’m going to structure this so I’m just gonna wing it. Sorry if this is chronologically wack.
For reference; I am 24 years old & cis female. I have severe persistent depression, ADHD & general anxiety. I have always considered myself asexual since I can remember.
To start, pretty much all of my memory from before I was 12 years old is either nonexistent or extremely fuzzy. I can recall bits and pieces of memories in general of random things such as being in school or when I fell off a swing set, but in terms of my childhood at home or elsewhere I come up completely blank. No matter how hard I try I genuinely cannot remember nearly anything from prior to 12 years old. Coincidentally, this is also the age I remember my depression first starting.
There are some things from my childhood that I do remember & they mostly happen to be negative.
I was spanked as a child as punishment, typically pretty hard. I remember my brother would be spanked with a belt & I could hear his crying. I never was spanked with a belt that I can remember, just the hand. My mom always had a very short temper; she’d often call me annoying, raise her voice and I remember her saying “You make me wanna smack you sometimes” while raising her hand, but she never slapped my face. My dad would also be quick to raise his voice, and threatened I better stop talking back “or else”. He was typically the one who spanked.
Both of my parents were what I call “high functioning” alcoholics. They maintained their jobs & had friends, but they would frequently leave my brother & I at home to go have drinks, and come back absolutely sloshed. And when I would ask them why they drove home drunk they would say “we aren’t drunk, we’re fine.” I’d call them alcoholics and they would laugh and blow me off, and make fun of me. “Oh we are SUCH alcoholics, just drinking aaaallll day and night!”
My mom would call me a “drama queen” and “overdramatic” any time I would try to tell her she hurt my feelings, or that I was upset about something.
When I was around 14 I was at the worst of my depression, and attempted suicide several times without success. I told my mom I was depressed but she never took it seriously until I said I tried to kill myself. And even then, she said “what did I do to deserve this.” My dad also came to my room one night and threatened to leave the family because he didn’t know how to handle me and my depression.
I remember when I was young I would not like men / would not trust men. When we went camping as a family, I never liked to be left alone with the other grown men specifically because I just felt uneasy.
I remember my uncle (when I was about 12-13) commenting on how I was starting to have “curves”.
My mom AND my dad would often comment on the size of my butt, typically framing it as a joke but it always made me uncomfortable. I asked them in some way or another to stop, and they said “what why?! It’s a compliment!” They still to this day sometimes call me “J-Lo booty”.
I remember my dad would often pat me on the butt and I recall this always making me uncomfortable. If we hugged, or I was standing close by he would just give it a pat. I hated it but I said nothing.
My parents were both very adamant about kissing on the mouth. Not like a long kiss, but I remember by a certain age (possibly like 9-11?) I didn’t feel comfortable with it anymore. My parents would always be so upset and say “awww you hurt my feelings!” & I’d be guilted into kissing them back.
I never liked to be touched, even to this day. It makes my skin crawl when someone puts their hand on my shoulder, or worse my back. If it’s accidental I understand, but when someone puts their hand on me it makes me want to physically cringe.
I was a “late bloomer” and an odd-ball when it came to my teenage years. I didn’t know what sex was until probably 12 or 13, but I also had absolutely no interest once I did learn. The topic felt “gross” and I would avoid it like the plague. I never even liked when I’d see people kiss. I never really dated when I was a teenager because I was told guys would want to kiss and do other things and that terrified me. Not in like a nervous first-kiss kind of way, but like my gut was saying it was dangerous.
Romantic scenes in movie & shows still to this day give me this strong feeling of anxiety, discomfort, and I’m willing to stop watching because of it. I tried to watch Wolf of Wall-street with my husband recently and I said I can’t watch it; I felt too uncomfortable after probably 10 mins of the movie because of all the sex. It almost felt like it was giving me an anxiety attack.
Now this is where I personally get extremely confused & anxious at the thought I am repressing memories. These are things I have absolutely told no one, and make me feel so embarrassed.
I remember I would “play” with my stuffed animals (probably 8-11?), but I would assign the role of my stuffed animal as an adult and would have it touch me on my genitals. I remember knowing it was wrong, and pretend to be scared like I was “trapped” and that the stuffed animal was “in charge”. And as I said earlier- I didn’t fully understand what sex was until I was about 12 or 13. It makes me feel gross to think about it, but now I wonder why the hell I’d be playing pretend like this in the middle of the night.
I remember my mom had an old phone that would turn on but couldn’t call or text anymore. I was probably 12 or so and I remember trying to text our neighbor with something along the lines of “wanna come over and have sex?” Our neighbor was a 40 something year old man, and luckily the phone couldn’t actually text and even better was I was an idiot of a child and thought phone numbers were related to location; I thought just going one number up from the cell phone’s number meant it was the neighbors. My dad found the phone & the texts and confronted me saying stuff like “what the hell is this?? You can’t say this stuff. Don’t ever do this again.” I remember being just absolutely MORTIFIED.
I know that at a young age I would get “bad vibes” from grown men. They didn’t do anything, and sometimes didn’t even talk to me or know me; they could be strangers. But from their face, I decided that they scared me in a way that made me feel extremely anxious. It would usually be paired with intrusive thoughts of being trapped alone with these men and being touched. Sometimes I still get these intrusive thoughts, and they absolutely ruin my day.

Lastly, my most embarrassing and confusing thought process when I was younger. I think I was likely 12 or 13 when I became obsessed with the idea I wanted to be raped. But I also remember I did not actually want to be raped. My thought process was literally “I hope that I get kidnapped and raped so I have the excuse to never have to have sex.” I felt that if this happened to me, and it was public knowledge, that I would I guess get a “get out of sex free card” or something. I never had sex that I can remember, or know what it’s like, so why was I so scared of it & trying to come up with extreme reasons to not have to do it? No clue.
A tangent: My mother was often abused physically & sexually when she was young by one of her stepfathers. My mom appears to handle things by blocking memories out. One time my aunt (her sister) was saying that wearing a face mask felt suffocating and reminded her of when their stepfather would hold his hands over their mouths. My mom said she didn’t remember that at all. She said she doesn’t remember a lot of the things that happened anymore. She has never seen a therapist or talked about her experiences, and says she simply “chooses to be happy” instead. I find this debatable seeing as she’s been drinking alcohol nearly every day since I can remember. Is it possible I inherited all her pent-up trauma and mental blocking at birth?
Now that I’ve written all this I’m not sure I feel better. I don’t feel worse, but I don’t know if I’m any closer to knowing if I’ve been repressing memories of CSA. I have so many questions. Did it really happen, or am I grasping at straws? If it did happen, who did it? And where do I begin to heal?
Sorry this was so long. If you read all this, I appreciate you taking the time to read my secret life & experiences. Writing and sharing this has been terrifying, but kind of freeing. I plan to reach out to a specialized therapist soon. I can’t wait for the day I can figure out what the missing piece in me is so I can heal.
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Mcdonalds would be randomly banned. All it's stores would be closed and erased from existence. You can ask why.
All iPhones will be made free and treated as an essential commodity like water and food, which will also be made free for everyone in the world.
Water will be sucked out of the oceans on mass, desalinated and used to grow food where it has not grown in a long, long time. All food and water will be free.
Giant air purifiers will be built and used to clean the air. Cities the size of nations will be built under ground, layer by layer until a colony of cities is built 4 mountains deep into the earth creating more living space than is available on the whole solid surface of Earth if I'm not mistaken.
Aliens if made contact with would be incorporated into my personal circle and consuled with.
Every moon and planet in this solar system will have at least 1 billion people on it eventually.
I will invest heavily in immortality and penis enlargement.
That is all for now. If you have any suggestions let me know if you want. Thank you.
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I’m young (21) and I recently met a girl (three weeks ago) that seems fantastic. I can’t know if she’s the lady for me, but I know that at the very least she stands out.
When did you realize that your SO seemed very different than past women?
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https://imgur.com/a/x7V9tRX
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2021.12.01 02:38 WeAreTheUniverse7 ❤️We Are One❤️

Dark Night of The Soul / Ego Death :
"A total annihilation of ALL that you believed in and thought that you were."
in other words, you don’t know who you are anymore, nothing makes since anymore, and your Ego has been destroyed.
Ego - The idea of “I”, who you believe yourself to be. It is all the beliefs you carry about who you are – your personality, your worth, your abilities.
——————————————
Now without an Ego :
You realize you are not the Ego, but the observer. You also realize that’s what "everyone else" is.
Now you realize we are all one and you can see yourself in others like a mirror❤️
You learn to forgive and live a life full of love for ALL❤️ this was my experience and I am grateful for it. Feel free to ask questions if you wish and I will elaborate.
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Socialism both as a word and movement predate Marx. A consistent application of Marxism might call for the abolition of commodity production in its entirety (production for exchange) but not all socialisms have called for its complete abolition.
Secondly, various models of market socialism exist and Marxists seem to betray a profound ignorance of the various models that exist, often arguing against strawman's and their own imagination rather than what the individual market socialists they're debating are putting forth.
Lastly; just because a socialism is not Marxian does not make "idealist" or "utopian". Consistently and constantly accusing anything you disagree with of being idealist or utopian makes you all come across like a quasi-millenarian prophetic cult who take offence to the audacity of anyone not agreeing with every single thing your Great Prophet has said will come to pass or should come to pass.
Please note; this is not me debating the merits of market socialism, whether it'd be successful or not, whether I personally desire it or don't, this is merely me pointing out that it is false and incorrect for Marxists to accuse all non-Marxist socialisms of being not socialism or utopian simply because they don't agree with every facet of what you believe.
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